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Saturday, 23 April 2011

GET RICH QUICK, THE BARNABAS WAY

Here’s a simple guide on how to get rich quick. There are 20 simple steps and anyone can have a try. The scheme is tried and tested. And if you doubt our bone fides just ask Barnabas Dlamini, Swaziland’s Prime Minister, he can give personal testimony as to its effectiveness.


Enjoy


How to get rich in 20 simple steps


Set up a virtual limited company in the USA via the internet. Capital $100, registration fee $50.


Call yourself ‘New Millennium Global Leadership Awards’ and set up a website. Cost $100.


Write a mission statement on your website that says “The NMGLA is an international organisation committed to recognising and awarding individual leaders for outstanding service to the national and global communities. We strive to create through our passion for democracy not only a legacy of excellence in public service but also a sustainable pedigree of altruism in the service of the human race. We share a passion, along with those we recognise, for sacrifice, dedication and focus in their endeavours to improve the human environment, particularly that of the less fortunate...” Cost $0.


Add a few more references to ‘committed’, ‘passion’ and ‘sustainable’. Write a few more sentences that do not really mean anything but that contain impressive words. Cost $0.


Get some headed letter paper from a printer. Cost $25.


Put some photos of Mandela, Obama and Mother Theresa on your website. Get them from Google-cost $0.


Buy a license online from some obscure USA church to entitle yourself ‘the Reverend, or Pastor’. Cost $100. Well worth it to make you sound extra legitimate.


Do some internet research. Go to the websites of Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, Transparency International, the ILO, etc. Establish which countries have the worst global records for human rights, the promotion of democracy and for corruption. Cross reference these countries with the ones that have the largest disparity between rich and poor. Draw up a shortlist of potential countries. Cost $0.


Go to the websites of the Governments of the countries you have selected. Get the email addresses of the Prime Minister or President’s Office. Cost $0.


Write a letter on your headed paper, which you can scan, that says: Dear President/Right Honourable.../Prime Minister, it is with great pleasure that I write to invite you to participate in the 2011 New Millennium Global Leadership Awards to be held in Bermuda (or wherever). You have been chosen from a highly selective shortlist as a finalist in the category of ‘Outstanding achievement in the furtherance of human rights’. (In strict confidence, I can confirm with heart-felt congratulations that after rigorous deliberation, you are the winner in this field.) I would be delighted to know that you would grace our awards ceremony with your esteemed presence.” Cost $0.


Book a reception dinner for 100 people at a ‘seen better days’ three star hotel. Because you are a pastor, make it clear you will not provide alcoholic drinks for free. Have a local shop produce a dozen or so small awards statuettes made of lead painted with gold paint. Cost $2,200


Hire two actors to be Masters of Ceremony at the awards and write some speeches they can read out. Cost $1000


Book an economy class ticket to Bermuda and a room in a cheap guesthouse. Cost $1200


TOTAL COSTS - $2775, ($2000 dinner cost only met after income is generated)


Attach to your letter of invitation a registration form. Charge a registration fee of $1200 per person. This may seem expensive, but do remember that in every single case the national taxpayer, not the attendee, will be paying. Stress that because the awards are so prestigious it is not possible to waive the fee even for winners and that you regret travel expenses cannot be met.


Do mention that part of the fee is passed onto a worthy cause. Do not stipulate what this cause is. In the highly unlikely event of a future court case you could legitimately argue that your new house is a worthy cause in your own judgement. Add that delegations are limited to ten persons per party to give the impression demand is high. Potential income: $120,000.


Make sure you have selected a hotel of questionable luxury which is having business difficulties. Promise the management occupancy of 75 rooms for 2 nights in their low season. Put a photo of their best room on your website, even though you have no intention of booking that room. Negotiate a 25% kickback from the hotel. Potential income: $5625.


Contact the drinks manager at the hotel. Tell him you will not permit alcohol at the awards dinner because you disapprove as a man of God. Unless, that is, he offers you a 20% kickback on all sales of wine, beer and spirits. Potential income: $1500.


Offer delegates ‘cultural tours’ during their stay. Add photos of the region of your ceremony even if they are hundreds of km away. Negotiate with taxi drivers and tour guides a 25% kickback. Potential income $1000.


Ban personal photography but do hire an official photographer and produce commemorative merchandise. Charge very high prices for both services. Stage a fund raising raffle and auction of cheap paintings at the ceremony. Potential income-$2500.


Send a follow-up letter to potential delegates one week after the initial invite. Offer a tiny reduction for parties over 6. Suggest that delegates stay longer to enjoy the surroundings-this could increase your hotel occupancy kickback. More importantly, add the following reminder: “The NMGLA is only too pleased to have its name associated with his Excellency in all national press coverage once his Excellency has received his award.” This is a crucial point. It reminds winners that they can use their media influence to convey the glorious news of their well deserved award to the population in their home country.


Sit back and wait for the replies. You might be pleasantly surprised how many you receive.


TOTAL INCOME-$128,000


TOTAL COSTS- $4775


PROFIT-$123,275 for 1 week of work.


Contributed

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