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Saturday, 9 April 2011

SWAZILAND’S TRANSPORT OF DELIGHT

It is not only King Mswati III that needs a different car for every hour of the day – so does the Swazi Government.


Today, we exclusively reveal that Swaziland will see a shake-up of its structures and it will establish a new Super

Central Transport Authority.


Enjoy!


NEW CENTRAL TRANSPORT AUTHORITY IMMINENT


Parliament has passed the Central Transport Authority Bill that will establish a new, second Super-CTA to manage the Government’s expanding fleet of vehicles.


After an internal audit established that Government now owns 4,346,765 vehicles valued at $7 billion, the move has been welcomed by the people it will benefit, coincidentally the same people that instigated it. This blogsite understands that Cabinet will be reassigned so that the PM and Ministers can take up more pressing duties at the new Super CTA. The PM will become Director CTA, the Minster for Health will be Fleet Safety Director, Minister of Education will be in charge of driving tests, Minister of Finance- insurance, and the current token female Minsters will ensure vehicle ashtrays are clean and that nodding doggies do not run out of batteries.


The new CTA will be built at Lavumisa, thus necessitating a twelve lane superhighway to the existing CTA in Mbabane. Said a Government spokeswoman: ‘Naturally there will be a constant flow of vehicles between the 2 CTA’s so we have little choice but to expand the existing road network. Although the cost of the superhighway is estimated at E1,356 billion, Taiwan has already pledged a donation of E10,000 and we will be holding internal raffles every Friday to meet the costs. We also plan to close hospitals and schools for a limited period to finance the new CTA. Parents and the infirm should not worry though, as we plan to re-open them as early as March. March 2066, all being well.’


As a result of the initiative all Government workers will now be based at one of the CTA’s. As they will require transport to and from work, the project checked all the boxes on sustainability and value for money during the 17 second cost-benefit analysis carried out yesterday. The spokeswoman explained: ‘Most Government employees live in Mbabane and Manzini, but most will now work at the new CTA in Lavumisa. So they will pick up their cars at Mbabane CTA then drive to Lavumisa themselves. When they arrive, given the road congestion they have caused, it will be time to return home. However, returning employees will have the luxury of trying a different car if they wish, as we have been careful to provide extra cars in case of accidents and mechanical failure or idiots running out of petrol as usual. This perk will keep staff motivated.


The spokeswoman added that to assuage funding concerns, the new superhighway will be tolled. This masterstroke was actually the PM’s idea. All government employees will have to pay a toll to use the superhighway-thus we will be able to raise revenue from the moment the highway opens. Of course, employees will be given a lump-sum every month to cover these expenses, but the steady revenue stream will mean that the road will become profitable after only 6 weeks, according to our own estimates.”


Although the Bill passed through Parliament unopposed, as there is no opposition, one MP voiced slight concern at the measures. He asked Ministers whether the estimated $7 trillion per annum fuel costs of running the fleet represented best value for the tax-payer. The American and European tax-payer, that is. The Minister did not reply as such, but instead threatened the MP with death. That seemed to satisfy the cheeky troublemaker as he fell silent after that, much to the amusement of the House!


While the measures have been met with outrage and condemnation worldwide, the EU has agreed to fund the project to the tune of 1.5 billion of whatever currency the Government wants, in cash if they prefer. An EU spokesman added however that ‘We will be watching really carefully to ensure the money is not misused. If it is, we will be so angry that we might hold a big meeting where we can grumble politely among ourselves before deciding to hand out even more money to the same people next month.’


Contributed

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