Readers are asking us to explain the differences between the pro-democracy groups working for Swaziland.
They ask, what are the SSN, SUDF, SDC, SNUS, SCCCO, PUDEMO, SWAYOCO, SFL, SFTU and TUCOSWA?
What indeed?
But those are just the half of it. Here are some other groups working for the emancipation of the Swazi people that you must support.
ENJOY!
SURF– Swaziland United Revolutionary Forum.
An Internet discussion group based in Johannesburg, South Africa, aimed at leading the Swazi people to democracy. Slogan: ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland.’
SUDSO – Swaziland United Democratic Solidarity Organisation.
An online group based in Holland. Specialises in writing emails to Dutch members of parliament about human rights abuses in Swaziland. Slogan: ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland’
RINSO – Revolution in Swaziland Organisation.
A Facebook site believed to be headquartered in a bedroom in Yonkers, New York. Dedicated to capturing global international attention to the cause of democracy in Swaziland. Written almost entirely in siSwati. Slogan (roughly translated) ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland.’
PERSIL – People’s Revolution in Swaziland League.
An Internet site based in the UK. It draws attention to the plight of Swaziland’s poor. Includes a selection of recipes on how to cook chicken’s intestines.Slogan: ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland’
VANISH – Vanguard for the Abolition of Neo-Swazi Hegemony.
Based in Cuba and publishes a 124-page weekly email newsletter to educate the masses about cultural and political heroes of the international working class. Slogan: ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland’
DOMESTOS – Democracy in Swaziland Today or Sooner.
The youth wing of Vanish (see above). Slogan: ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland.’
SPARKLE – Swaziland People’s Revolutionary League.
Website based in Mexico. Writes emails to international human rights organisations to draw attention to King Mswati III’s sexual kinks. Slogan: ‘For a Free and Democratic Swaziland’.
And a group that you must not support . . .
FLASH - First, Last, Always Swazi.
Operates throughout the rural areas of Swaziland and in some towns. A cultural group that once had strong links to the Swazi Royal Family. Slogan: ‘For a Free and Uniquely Democratic Swaziland.’
New Tinkhundla- English Phrasebook to be published
Publishing house Smith, Jones, Dlamini, Dlamini and Dlamini have announced the publication of a new phrasebook which will make Tinkhundla English comprehensible to English speakers from outside the Swaziland.Here is a foretaste of some of the entries:
Enjoy.
Tinkhundla English
Mysteriously disappeared from the police station
English
Stolen by the police
Unique system of democracy
Undemocratic
Mysterious giant serpent with supernatural powers that lives in the river
A snake
Mysteriously disappeared from the Council’s bank account
Stolen by the Council
To suffer from a lack of budgetary means, capacity and infrastructure to implement the constitutional requirement to provide free primary education
To spend on own salaries and cars.
Terrorist
Democrat
So called ‘progressive’
Progressive
Commission of Enquiry
Group of wealthy people paid to do nothing
Mysteriously disappeared from the Ministry’s accounting records despite rigorous and exhaustive efforts to trace the misplaced money by an independent financial auditor
Stolen by Ministry staff
To convene a national prayer to resolve the issue of the imploding economy
To capitulate
To convene a national prayer to resolve the issue of spiralling crime
To capitulate
To be in possession of the suspect’s name but in the interests of justice, to not mention it while investigations are ongoing
To fear that the suspect may have connections
To declare one’s assets to the Integrity Commission
To write whatever you like, hand it to a relative, lock it in a safe far from public scrutiny and forget about it.
To lack the financial means to provide anti-retroviral drugs to HIV+ people
To possess the financial means to pay for an $8 million shopping trip to Rome
To thank the EU for its direct budgetary support and to assure them that the money will be targeted at Government’s priorities*
*Impossible to translate as publishers do not believe the EU really gives direct budgetary support
Here’s a simple guide on how to get rich quick. There are 20 simple steps and anyone can have a try. The scheme is tried and tested. And if you doubt our bone fides just ask Barnabas Dlamini, Swaziland’s Prime Minister, he can give personal testimony as to its effectiveness.
Enjoy
How to get rich in 20 simple steps
Set up a virtual limited company in the USA via the internet.Capital $100, registration fee $50.
Call yourself ‘New Millennium Global Leadership Awards’ and set up a website.Cost $100.
Write a mission statement on your website that says “The NMGLA is an international organisation committed to recognising and awarding individual leaders for outstanding service to the national and global communities.We strive to create through our passion for democracy not only a legacy of excellence in public service but also a sustainable pedigree of altruism in the service of the human race.We share a passion, along with those we recognise, for sacrifice, dedication and focus in their endeavours to improve the human environment, particularly that of the less fortunate...” Cost $0.
Add a few more references to ‘committed’, ‘passion’ and ‘sustainable’. Write a few more sentences that do not really mean anything but that contain impressive words.Cost $0.
Get some headed letter paper from a printer. Cost $25.
Put some photos of Mandela, Obama and Mother Theresa on your website.Get them from Google-cost $0.
Buy a license online from some obscure USA church to entitle yourself ‘the Reverend, or Pastor’.Cost $100.Well worth it to make you sound extra legitimate.
Do some internet research.Go to the websites of Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, Transparency International, the ILO, etc.Establish which countries have the worst global records for human rights, the promotion of democracy and for corruption.Cross reference these countries with the ones that have the largest disparity between rich and poor. Draw up a shortlist of potential countries. Cost $0.
Go to the websites of the Governments of the countries you have selected.Get the email addresses of the Prime Minister or President’s Office. Cost $0.
Write a letter on your headed paper, which you can scan, that says:“Dear President/Right Honourable.../Prime Minister, it is with great pleasure that I write to invite you to participate in the 2011 New Millennium Global Leadership Awards to be held in Bermuda (or wherever).You have been chosen from a highly selective shortlist as a finalist in the category of ‘Outstanding achievement in the furtherance of human rights’.(In strict confidence, I can confirm with heart-felt congratulations that after rigorous deliberation, you are the winner in this field.)I would be delighted to know that you would grace our awards ceremony with your esteemed presence.”Cost $0.
Book a reception dinner for 100 people at a ‘seen better days’ three star hotel.Because you are a pastor, make it clear you will not provide alcoholic drinks for free.Have a local shop produce a dozen or so small awards statuettes made of lead painted with gold paint.Cost $2,200
Hire two actors to be Masters of Ceremony at the awards and write some speeches they can read out.Cost $1000
Book an economy class ticket to Bermuda and a room in a cheap guesthouse.Cost $1200
TOTAL COSTS - $2775, ($2000 dinner cost only met after income is generated)
Attach to your letter of invitation a registration form.Charge a registration fee of $1200 per person.This may seem expensive, but do remember that in every single case the national taxpayer, not the attendee, will be paying.Stress that because the awards are so prestigious it is not possible to waive the fee even for winners and that you regret travel expenses cannot be met.
Do mention that part of the fee is passed onto a worthy cause.Do not stipulate what this cause is. In the highly unlikely event of a future court case you could legitimately argue that your new house is a worthy cause in your own judgement.Add that delegations are limited to ten persons per party to give the impression demand is high.Potential income: $120,000.
Make sure you have selected a hotel of questionable luxury which is having business difficulties.Promise the management occupancy of 75 rooms for 2 nights in their low season.Put a photo of their best room on your website, even though you have no intention of booking that room.Negotiate a 25% kickback from the hotel.Potential income: $5625.
Contact the drinks manager at the hotel.Tell him you will not permit alcohol at the awards dinner because you disapprove as a man of God.Unless, that is, he offers you a 20% kickback on all sales of wine, beer and spirits.Potential income: $1500.
Offer delegates ‘cultural tours’ during their stay.Add photos of the region of your ceremony even if they are hundreds of km away.Negotiate with taxi drivers and tour guides a 25% kickback.Potential income $1000.
Ban personal photography but do hire an official photographer and produce commemorative merchandise.Charge very high prices for both services.Stage a fund raising raffle and auction of cheap paintings at the ceremony.Potential income-$2500.
Send a follow-up letter to potential delegates one week after the initial invite.Offer a tiny reduction for parties over 6. Suggest that delegates stay longer to enjoy the surroundings-this could increase your hotel occupancy kickback.More importantly, add the following reminder: “The NMGLA is only too pleased to have its name associated with his Excellency in all national press coverage once his Excellency has received his award.”This is a crucial point.It reminds winners that they can use their media influence to convey the glorious news of their well deserved award to the population in their home country.
Sit back and wait for the replies.You might be pleasantly surprised how many you receive.
Even as Swaziland descends into chaos, one thing remains the same: we put our trust in the Lord and the apostles He has sent to Swaziland to show us The Way.
Here, in an exclusive interview, our special correspondent interviews Apostle Bob to hear how the Lord told him to go forth and multiply (his wealth).
Enjoy.
Injured Apostle’s message from God intercepted by devil, possibly.
They say that lightning never strikes twice. Moving on, we can report that recently injured Apostle Bob, whose top of the range Nissan Cherry was involved in a serious accident only last week, with him inside it, was unable to heed the warnings of the Lord due to the devil.
Bob, who is the leader of the Church of Smoke and Mirrors, would hold regular dialogue with the Lord. In an interview with this widely read website Bob would set the record straight on recent events.
According to the Apostle, about five years ago The Lord would say ‘Bob, there are two things I would tell you. First I have ordained that you would help me eradicate persistent and incorrect use of the conditional tense in newspaper articles. Second, in some years henceforth of this date you will live in a massive mansion and will drive a top of the range motorised vehicle, such as a car, for example.’
Since that day, Bob has amazed onlookers by living life just as God said. These days he inhabits a massive mansion fit for a king’s wife. It has lots of rooms and fancy curtains and air conditioning and things like that.
Bob says that his good fortune is down to his prayers and unwavering love of God. The fact that his only source of income is a small stipend for being a pastor should not lead to speculation that he has stolen, extorted and hoodwinked gullible people out of their money. Such would be the sort of unfounded claim that could lead to a court case in eleven years from now if any of the parties were still alive and this newspaper had not been long closed down by the reactionary authorities.
Reliving the terrifying moments prior to his car crash Bob says ‘I was going home after spreading the word of the Lord in a rural area to innocent victims. As I drove, I was counting a considerable amount of cash in donations from these desperately poor people who can’t afford school fees or food, but whom have been cajoled and bullied into to fearing the Lord so much that they cough up if threaten them enough with eternal damnation.’
It was at this point that Bob sensed some sort of demonic possession. ‘As I thumbed through the cash I started salivating uncontrollably and the drool made the steering wheel slippery. Before I knew it the car itself had become possessed and crashed into a big rock shaped just like a rock, only bigger.’
The next thing he remembers is crawling from the wreckage and thanking the Lord - the money was still okay. Although he was quite seriously injured, Bob managed to escape the worst: being admitted to the Mbabane Government Hospital. ‘Imagine if I had been unconscious or delirious. Someone might have taken me to the MGH. Can you imagine? In that case I would not be talking to you today.’
In the following days Bob reflected on the accident and realised he had two choices. He could accept personal responsibility for reckless driving or he could invent a conspiracy theory involving the devil and demonic possession. It was, as the say, a no-brainer.
‘Because I am so successful I have many enemies among other apostles, pastors and suchlike. I now know that they must have intercepted and deleted a text message from the Lord telling me to take the kombi last week, instead of driving myself. In other words the accident was the work of the devil, even though that makes no sense at first glance, or even after deeper scrutiny. This just shows how sneaky he is.’
Following Bob’s claim this website contacted MTN, the country’s monopoly mobile telecommunications network, owned largely by the stinking rich elites. A spokesman said ‘MTN has a strict privacy policy and we do not give out private numbers, even to the Lord. Unless of course the Lord could produce a document that suggested a person was a terrorist, then we would give it up in the blink of an eye, no questions asked.’
We telephoned the Lord ourselves for his side of the story, but his private secretary said he was in a meeting about lesbians again.
